02 July 09: I do still have a blog right?

-So...I need to blog more...

-sorry guys, we're back to good now, i'm trying to do more things that make me happy...:)

-Recording with Carp next week should be good...gotta practice Kevo...gotta...

-This is way too short...

-Sorry, I REALLY want to not be so lazy...but It took a while to get into this funk and it'll take a long time to get out of it...

:-/  give me time...:)

the turn

-So kristyn and I can't seem to shake the depressed bug...but we're on the up and up and I think things are only going to get better...

this is short since it's 3:45, and I'm tired...but i couldn't let me last post be a depressing one right??

:)

Try to deal with

soo..I realized today that I am unstable....Mentally, emotionally, spiritually...everything is unstable for me.  This is a list (read: rant) of things I try to deal with everyday

1)I try to deal with working a job where everyday could be my last and everyday i feel myself going back and forth about whether or not I can stand another day

2) I try to deal with having no motivation after work to do anything....dishes...put away laundry...clean...pick up....I come home from work and am so mentally exhausted, I have to rest

3) I try to deal with not being able to sleep very well...tossing and turning every night and never waking up feeling rested.  

4) I try to deal with never feeling like I can get upset about something without being in the wrong about it.  I always feel like when I'm upset, it's because I'm overreacting or just being unstable...I just want to be upset about something and not feel like an ass for feeling that way

5)I try to deal with Never feeling like a success, never living up to a college graduates life, and a nagging fear that I'll never be able to provide for my future family

6) I try to deal with the thought that everytime I'm so certain that it's too perfect, something happens that makes just a little bit of doubt creep in

7) I try to deal with feeling like people think they know how I will react to certain things, so they don't say them (when all I value is realness, no matter how hard it is to hear)

8)I try to deal with being bi-polar...pretty sure I am

9)I try to deal with so much inner conflict about everything...going back and forth on every decision and ultimately staying with what's comfortable, not what's best

10) I try to deal with have parents who still influence my social life at 23.

11) I try to deal with feeling alone all the time, feeling unhappy because I feel alone, and feeling stupid for knowing I'm not alone

12)I try to deal with so much negativity in my life around me, and yet still trying to be positive and not of this world

13) I try to deal with a strong outer personality when really I'm very weak

14) I try to deal with the fear that I will say or do something wrong, mess up one time, and lose everything

15)I try to deal with this idea that no one will really understand me, and maybe i'd be better to the world alone

16)I try to deal with feeling like being myself isn't good enough, and changing so much that I lose sight of who I really am.  I never feel like...myself, always like I want to change or something like that

Today's not really a good day... I'm alone right now, which means I'm sitting around, waiting for something to happen, just sitting on the bed or the computer chair....

God, give me the wisdom to seek you in all of this mess, and the strength to not be afraid and just enjoy life.  Lord you and I both know I'm too stressed out about life...and you only gave me one, so I have to make the most of it...be with me always

-Kevo

27 May 09: things change...

-But tonight they stay the same....

-Sorry, thanks to BBM for that quote.

-So...things are starting to change...they are starting to look up...

-I have an interview on Friday with the GM at the Findlay Bob Evan's on Trenton Ave.  I'm not sure where this will lead me, but I'm excited to work my way up the restaurant ladder.  At least have a job I can be proud of...a job where hopefully the people will be better...and the situations will be better...ANYTHING is better than Lima!

-So...Today is KK and I's 7 month anniversary...and things are,....well, Crazy for sure!  Have you been with someone and then wondered how you were ever happy before they were in your life?  I can't imagine life without her now...I hated Single life very much, and By reading these old blogs, you can see I prayed for Future Wife....well I found her...

-I always wondered how I would know for sure when I found the one.  How would I know?  What if there were things about her that I didn't like, or that weren't perfect...SHould I hold out til I find the perfect girl?  does she exist?

-Answer...YES!  Kristyn complements me in so many ways, ways I never really knew.  We get along so well, we have many of the same likes and dislikes, and we both seem to struggle with the same problems...

-And she's so bright...like really smart!  I just know she's going to do great things in this life and in our lives together.  She's so sweet, caring, and compassionate, it really motivates me to be better.  She's Passionate and loving, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed by her passion and her ability to love no matter what.  I love loving her, I love being with her, I love how she makes me feel.  I love that now I don't have to be afraid to be myself...I've struggled with that for 23 years, and with her, I know I can just be myself and she's going to love me anyway.  She makes me want to be a better person, a better friend, Boyfriend, and If i can be so lucky, husband.  I respect her and her convictions and can only hope to be as strong a person as she is.   I love that she and I can...talk...about everything, and no matter how deep the subject matter, there's no judging.  I love that the second she leaves, I'm going over in my head the next time I'll see her and what I have to do to get to that point...I love that I miss her all the time, I text her all the time, and am so excited to start a life with her!  I know most people my age don't feel this way...but I totally do...I'd do anything for her, I take on all the pain in the world if that meant she could go without. I'd give anything to make her life the best it can be, and with God's help, I hope I can do that.  I love that these words are not just romantic cliches, but really genuine emotions and feelings.  I love you Kristyn Kirchner, and I can't wait til we can be together as one and start life together!  happy 7 months!  :)

21 May 09: What am I doing?

-This blog title works on many levels....

1) Why haven't I blogged in 6 days when I have had the time to?

2) Why do I keep spending when I know I need to put some back?

3)Why can't I ever truly be happy at Eastgate?

4) Why can't I just be patient with the Life God will have for me?

-So many questions...These last few days (last weekend til...yesterday) have been really rough.  Had a crew member get in my face on Saturday and ranted for 20 minutes...(he lost his job of course), then again another crew member tried to give me some flack for trying to enforce a policy that is so stupid, there's no reason NOT to follow it. (microwaving the roastburgers for 7 seconds before serving...seriously??  this is what you want to talk back to me about?) So many days, I hate it there....I hate Lima people (most of them), I hate the way the customers treat me, I hate that the bad customers ruin me for the good customers.  I hate that my subordinates don't just accept what I say to them, they are always backtalking me, questioning me, and overall, just never seem to listen to me.  I hate always being the bad guy.  I hate that it seems like I have no one to joke around there with, no one to talk with, no one to enjoy the day with, no one that cuts me any slack. 

-I've become that guy...you know that guy...the manager at the food place that takes his job way too seriously, the guy who no one likes working with, the guy who seems to always be getting into petty arguments with someone.  I hate myself when I'm there....I hate who I am when I'm there.  I hate that I miss Bluffton a bit.  I hate that I miss it a lot.  I hate that I feel like I may be trapped in this field forever...I hate that every day; I hate...period. I hate that I think my boss is an idiot, I hate that I may be right.  I hate that my boss won't get me out of there despite MANY transfer requests.  I hate everything about that place.  I hate that it makes me shake when I'm there, I hate that my hair is falling out because of that place.  I hate that it seems to always interfere with my life.  I hate that I hate it...I just...hate it.

- that felt really good to write...but what can I do to improve it?  I could leave!  the next job opportunity that's promising, I am...I can't be there anymore...Eastgate did exactly what John said it would do to me.  Break me down, so he could mold me back up...but no way...this is too much.  I can't sleep, I can't feel good about my job, I'm miserable, I never see Kristyn, I can't take pride in where I work (something I was finally able to do with Bluff)...*sigh*

-Lord I don't know what you have planned for my life, or where I'm going...but help me trust in you completely and allow me to be a light to the world.

-This is a depressing blog I know, but my last week has been very bad...really bad...but yesterday was excellent!  today is awesome (although, VERY hot!) and tommorow is KENTON! and FNDN!  Saturday will be softball practice?  I can't wait for the season!  Championship or bust!

-Lord, please get me out of Eastgate, I'll go wherever you send me...just get me out...please....

-Kevo

p.s....sorry this is really depressing, but I look forward to looking back at this and smiling about how great my life is now...:)

16 MAY 09: life...

-So...life...what has it come to for me?  What do I do with my life?  I'm 23, no closer to finding out my career than I was 6 months ago...1 year ago...23 years ago...

- I want to do something great...something that will take care of me and my own, but I don't know what that is yet...

-I wish I didn't doubt myself about everything.  I keep trying to change for everyone instead of being me.  I really think that once people get to know me, they won't like me...i don't know why, but i've always felt that...

-Just kinda depressed tonight...just a bit, not much.  In my pursuits to secure my life, I'm not doing so well..

okay...happier thoughts, summer goals...Here's as many as I can think of:

1)Cedar Point Trip

2) Kings Island Trip

3)Moonlight Picnic

4)Day trip to Pandora

5) camping trip

6) trip to Indiana to Visit Dad

7)Swimming Trip

8)Run a 5k...it doesn't have to be organized

9) bat .600 and above in softball, and win a championship

k...that's all for now...poker time...:)

12 May 09: Rough patches

-Life has been up and down...but it's starting to look up.

-I'm going to finally rid myself of the guilt I've had for almost 10 years...I have to do it to keep the most important thing in my life...Day 1...we're good! :)

-I pray for Kristyn...all of her, every aspect of her life.  I pray that I can be a force of good in her life.  God let me do that...please!

-Work is rough, I seem to work all the time and I feel like i'm making no ground there...Kenton Week is coming up!

-Iight, KK's here, gotta go! :)

07 May 09: Bittersweet

-Today I found out that I can't talk to anyone at work about anything ever without it affecting KK at work.  I hate that I am responsible for making her life harder...I wish I could just shut up and talk to friends and relatives about those matters, not co-workers...maybe because I see them more than my actually family and friends....Solution?...shut up at work Kevo, don't make jokes at other's expenses, don't get upset when you have to do so, just go in, make positive jokes, no sarcastic ones.  I think I hide behind sarcasm because I'm afraid that no one will like the real me...No one else can love the real me until it truly do myself.  I can't say that now, but I'm making progress.

-I rehearsed with Sojourned Steel today...MUCH fun!  I can't wait to gig with them, guess I gotta buy a bass?...and a cabinet?...I'm excited

-I'll prolly be the full-time Choir Director at Emmanuel next year...which excites me that I get to do great work in the church!

-Summer special music in my church is coming up...sign up today!

-I think I'm really tired, so I'm going to head to bed...I need to cash that bonus check tommorow before work, so I best be getting to that...

-Good night world.

5 MAY 09: I do still blog right?

-Sooooo...it's been a while, sometimes I get consumed with Work and such that I forgot to blog...

-My three goals by June 1:
-Expand to 3 students
-Weight to 245-240
-save 1000 dollars.

-I'm not close to these yet, but I want to get as close as I can to these by June 1.

-KK and I are making a summer to-do list...we're both coming up with 20 items and we're going to do it....I love her. I am thankful for so much of our relationship. I love that she's my partner, good and bad, richer and poorer, no matter what, she's there to help. thanks babe!

-k...night time! :)

29 APR 09: Return to College form?

-The title of this blog refers to having a few drinks at Lukes Last night.  I never drink that much when I drink, never enough that I would say i get drunk.  But Last night, the combination of stress and work and good friends led a few drinks to pass my way.  Which was kinda nice since I had no plans for the night, and I needed a good night sleep, so I passed out at 10 and woke up at 9:30a.  very nice!..:)

-Hopefully tonight's a KK night, that would be awesome!

-working 11-9 tonight, though I'm prolly going to leave early since I'm owed a bunch of time.

-blogging two days in a row!?  like that don'tcha!

27 Apr 09: The Drama Bug

-So I'm terrible at updating everyday, but mainly that's because not that much happens to me that's not work or stupid.  This post is also brutality honest, something I struggle to be, but want to get better at...

-The Drama Bug Seems to follow me.  I try so hard to stay out of it, to ignore drama, to ignore the signs of drama, to not have that feeling that we as people get when we're about to deal head on with Drama.  I got doubled up with drama today, when I woke up...here goes.

-Drama one:  Recieve a call from my boss saying that I needed to calm it down when letting people go or something...THe fact is, people need to be let go otherwise we'll lose all the good workers because of lack of hours.  The whole thing is stupid because I am not a slave to my workers...this job is a luxury, and you have to do your best at it.  So I had to deal with that, which really makes me not want to go into work tomorrow...

-only three points today...but quality is better than quantity.

22 apr 09: Kevo's Lazy

-I'm really lazy after work. I put so much into my job that at the end of the day, i'm exhausted...which makes me both an excellent employee and a lame 23 year old...

-Recieved a call from the search committee in Florida from kyle's Church. I thought the interview went well...it lasted an hour...I have doubts about it, doubts whether I can perform the job, doubts I could survive the move and be away from this area, doubts whether I am a good enough of person to work full time in the church, doubts about whether I could survive long periods without Kristyn, doubts whether it'll force us into rushing into our lives together (something I have enough problems with now). But, If I trust in God, and truly believe my life is in his hands, then I shouldn't worry.

-My dad's birfday was yesterday, I think he's 52, which is hilarious! :)

-Kristyn's birthday is Sunday, she'll be 19 and I am really excited! saturday night we're hanging with some friends, then after I open on Sunday, We're grilling out at her place and then hanging there and then maybe a nice night outside on the hammock? come on weather! :)

-Okay, I am going to blog everyday...seriously...it takes 5 minutes you lazy bum! (that's kevo)

-Im going to try to use Twitter more than I do now...which is not at all...

19 apr 09:....tired

i'm really tired...i just got off and it's 330am...blog tommorow with updates? sounds good!

18 Apr 09: Returning to Form

-Okay...it's been 5 days...it's been a busy week, so I didn't get to Blogging.  I could blame this on work, but it wouldn't do any good, so I'll just leave it at that.

-Mummert is back to work, and I'm thrilled.  Finally some help to clean up the store and dare I say I enjoyed my week at the gate?!  Its crazy but true

-My glasses came in on Saturday, which is nice because I didn't realize how blind I really was til I put them on...jeez!

-KK and I sat on the hammock last night under the stars and had a great chat, I hope we get to do that a lot more!

-I found out one of my buddies is planning on purposing over 4th of July!  I'm excited for him...that sounds like a good timeline...;)

-Tonight I work 7p-5a, followed by church work SUnday morning, then dinner with the in-laws in the afternoon, then work again from 5p-3a...but Monday off! :)

-I think I'm done working 6 days...I don't really need to as I see no reason to waste my life at work for a n extra 90 dollars a day.

-Played Disc Golf with Joosh and Paul today, that was a good time...why don't I hang with Joosh more?  idk...maybe KK and I will hang at the apartment there soon.

-K, time to get ready for work...hopefully there won't be this much of a delay between my next post...;)

13 Apr 09: Vacation is almost over

-So my 4 day vacation is almost over, and as you can tell, I didn't blog at all over it, but we're here to recap vacation.

-Friday I weighed in for be Healthy now, and I was at 256.2, 12.6 pounds lost!  awesome!  My end goal is 240, so we'll see what we can do in the next couple of months, 240 by June 1.  That's about 2 pounds a week...I can do it!

-Saturday I played Delphos Country Club with Aaron and Adam, it was great!  98 for my first round out for the season, I'll take that for sure!  I missed some easy opportunities, but all in all, I played allright

-Sunday was a marathon day for KK and I.  Easter Sunrise Service at 7am at her church, Breakfast at 8am, service at my church from 9a-noon.  Then her family Easter til 6p, then we hung with my family til 9 and watched Juno!  hilarious movie for sure!  Then back here.

-Monday I took KK to work, then went and was fitted for a new set of glasses, which were a bit expensive, but there's no price on better vision, since mine has been getting really bad lately.  After that, it's cleaning time and stuff like that, I'm hoping to list my PSP and my Rockband set on craigslist today.

-It's been a great vacation and it made me realize that I can't work mids like this all the time, I miss so much out of life by doing so.  I really wish Florida would call me about this position.

-More cleaning time...and House!  and 24!  wow..great night, I wish my baby were here.

later on!

10 Apr 09: Bowling with old buddies

-I went bowling with Aaron and Adam today...it was awesome!

-We are playing Golf tommorow

-I weighed 12.6 pounds less today then 4 months ago...that's awesome!...

-this is going to be short because I'm taking KK to work tommorow, and I gots to have sleep!

-I scheduled an eye exam for monday...next...oil change and changing guitar strings!

-KK and I are doubling date tommorow which will be awesome!

-k...good night!

09 Apr 09: No More Boring Titles!

-Well today is a historic day...Kevo has 4 consecutive days off!  This hasn't happened in at least 9 months... Crazy!  How did I do that?  I have vacation now, so I'm hoping to save those for when Scott gets married.

-Scott's getting Married in August in Vegas, which excites me!

-BIG to do list over break...can I do it all tommorow so I can chill out Saturday?  I don't know, here's goes!

-I want to review things...movies, games, stuff like that...Maybe I'll start another Blog for Reviews....I like it...

-Will I ever finish FFIV?  I need to over break, order a pizza and with a 6-pack, finish it!  I'm so close!

-Need to Order a USB interface for my piano...and FFVIII and FFIX

-My stomach's been upset all day and it makes this place alittle smelly...lol...exhaust fan is broken!

-4 DAYS OFF!!!!

-Gotta get KK's Birthday gift!

-Gotta Balance Finances as well...;)

-well, I'm going to go review Knowing now...and maybe actually finish part 2 of my FFVII review...lol

-good night all!

08 Apr 09

-So Kevo learned a few things today that he'd like to share with the class.

-Kevo Learned that seeing things about judgement makes him extremely uncomfortable, because no matter how sure I am about how God will judge me at the end of my days...I'll never know for sure.  I like knowing things...and it bothers me that Unless God chooses to show me, I'll never know until...well, it's too late.

-Kevo Learned what self-less love is.  KK's car is done for, and her family can't help her get a new one.  I offered to get a car for her...no hesitation...no trying to determine where the money would come from or how I could afford it.  The only thought I had was taking care of my girl, doing whatever it takes to do that.  I've never felt that way before.  I'd give anything for her, and the only motivation I have to making every day of her life better because I was a part of it.  So tommorow...it's calling around to get her a car...goal...by Tuesday.

-Kevo learned that Florida is REALLY calling his name.  I day dream about it.  Life in Music, Life serving God. A Life where I can take my baby away from this misery and give her the life she deserves.  But it's God's Will, and if they offer, I'm taking.

-well, good night, it's bed time...

07 Apr 09

-So KK made fun of me for my posts being short...lets try better today?

-Work today was good....it was ok.  The usual, 30 minutes of getting reamed by my boss, then spending the evening doing extra projects, trying to make the store the best it can be...

-After work, I picked up KK and we hung out for the first time in days

-I'm scared about Florida...I want to go there so bad and do something worth while with my career...with my life...but how can I live that far away from KK?  I know we'll make it...I know that God has big plans for us, we just can't be afraid to do it.

-Florida sounds great!  I mean, I'll get to direct music...work with the church, make a good living, be proud of what I do....all things I don't have now.

-God give me the strength to get out of my comfort zone and do great things with my life.

-I have a big to-d0 list over my four day weekend!  who-ray!

-have a great night!

06 Apr 09

-wow...what a terrible day at work...

-Four day weekend soon!

-I seriously can't wait!

-I'm trying to find a new money management software...right now, Moneywell is up!

-My State refund was already credited to my account.  Soon I'll have my 1100 from the feds, and then it's 0 debt and plenty in Savings!

-I hear Florida calling...it's strange!

-I hope to hear from them soon!

-I'm afraid of taking the job because that's a long time to be away from Kristyn.  But we both know it's for the best and besides, she can come live in FL!  :)

-It's banking time!  sweet....later!

05 Apr 09

-I'm writing this at 4:15 am after work on Sunday the 5th....so it's technically the 6th, but oh well!

-Work was ight tonight.,..KK came in and surprised me! which was awesome! I love texting her and being with her and seeing her

-I bought some file folders for some organizational needs here at home, and I love it!

-I've not slept much at all ever since this weekend started, so this is be brief

-Scott's getting married in August...in Vegas...awesome!

ight yo, I'm out

05 Apr 09

-So KK and i are going to try to blog everyday! here goes!...lol, take 3 on this frontier

-http://kevosgirl.blogspot.com/ is kk's...it's great! check it out

-I'm currently on day 6 of 11 straight days of work in a row...all for a 4 day weekend next weekend!

-So kyle's trying to get me into that church in florida, who knows where God will lead me on that one?

-well i've been up since 10am saturday, so I'm going to grab a little nap before work.

-later yos!

3 Jan 08

-What a great 2009 so far!

-Kristyn is awesome!  fo serious!  I'm so glad that we ended up together..

-working 3-cl tonight...exciting!

-Being in a relationship really makes me appreciate all the great things I have been given.  Single life is good, but it's not for me.

-I love my job, because I get to have so much fun and get paid for it...and I have no fear of losing my job!  My boss is sweet and if it weren't for work, I'd never met Kristyn...amd that'd be no good

-I love life, why not love life?

1 Jan 09

-09...wow, i hope I dated everything at work 09...lol

-New Years Eve was awesome! spending it with kristyn's family was so much fun! I'm glad that they like me and that they know I am great for their daughter

-I'm trying a new 4 step brushing my teeth method that may hopefully whiten my teeth...good luck me

-Kristyn and I are trying to eat healthier...I hope it works

-today was a great day...granted I slept through most of it...

-Friday night hopefully will be FNDN...that'd be awesome! if not, Sunday is TSO which will be awesome!

- I bought a Subaru from Bill Goodwin on New Years Eve...so I now own a 96 Subaru...which is awesome. I really like it.

-I love my girlfriend, and I am not ashamed or embarassed to admit it.

-Good night Bluff