the turn

-So kristyn and I can't seem to shake the depressed bug...but we're on the up and up and I think things are only going to get better...

this is short since it's 3:45, and I'm tired...but i couldn't let me last post be a depressing one right??

:)

Try to deal with

soo..I realized today that I am unstable....Mentally, emotionally, spiritually...everything is unstable for me.  This is a list (read: rant) of things I try to deal with everyday

1)I try to deal with working a job where everyday could be my last and everyday i feel myself going back and forth about whether or not I can stand another day

2) I try to deal with having no motivation after work to do anything....dishes...put away laundry...clean...pick up....I come home from work and am so mentally exhausted, I have to rest

3) I try to deal with not being able to sleep very well...tossing and turning every night and never waking up feeling rested.  

4) I try to deal with never feeling like I can get upset about something without being in the wrong about it.  I always feel like when I'm upset, it's because I'm overreacting or just being unstable...I just want to be upset about something and not feel like an ass for feeling that way

5)I try to deal with Never feeling like a success, never living up to a college graduates life, and a nagging fear that I'll never be able to provide for my future family

6) I try to deal with the thought that everytime I'm so certain that it's too perfect, something happens that makes just a little bit of doubt creep in

7) I try to deal with feeling like people think they know how I will react to certain things, so they don't say them (when all I value is realness, no matter how hard it is to hear)

8)I try to deal with being bi-polar...pretty sure I am

9)I try to deal with so much inner conflict about everything...going back and forth on every decision and ultimately staying with what's comfortable, not what's best

10) I try to deal with have parents who still influence my social life at 23.

11) I try to deal with feeling alone all the time, feeling unhappy because I feel alone, and feeling stupid for knowing I'm not alone

12)I try to deal with so much negativity in my life around me, and yet still trying to be positive and not of this world

13) I try to deal with a strong outer personality when really I'm very weak

14) I try to deal with the fear that I will say or do something wrong, mess up one time, and lose everything

15)I try to deal with this idea that no one will really understand me, and maybe i'd be better to the world alone

16)I try to deal with feeling like being myself isn't good enough, and changing so much that I lose sight of who I really am.  I never feel like...myself, always like I want to change or something like that

Today's not really a good day... I'm alone right now, which means I'm sitting around, waiting for something to happen, just sitting on the bed or the computer chair....

God, give me the wisdom to seek you in all of this mess, and the strength to not be afraid and just enjoy life.  Lord you and I both know I'm too stressed out about life...and you only gave me one, so I have to make the most of it...be with me always

-Kevo